On Marriage
Please note: This blog is not intended to make any
comment on singleness, other than to say now that singleness is also a gift
from God. Rather, the premise of this blog is that marriage is God's best for
couples over constant dating or living together outside of marriage.
I do not pretend to be an expert on marriage or even
relationships. Peter and I have been together for just over 5 years and married
for 3 of those. Peter was my first (and only) boyfriend and we started
dating when I was in my final year of university. I was 20, he was 21. I count
myself so fortunate that God answered my prayer that the guy I ended up going
out with would be the man I married. Don't misunderstand me, I had my fair
share of teenage crushes and have been distraught on more than one occasion
when it turned out that they didn't like me back. I had thought myself in love
and had wished for a boyfriend for most of my teenage life. It's only in
hindsight that I realise that God really saved me from some unwise choices and
broken hearts.
However, that being said, the more I experience of marriage,
the more I understand why it is the best God has for those of us who are in
committed relationships. Let me explain why.
The Bible talks about marriage reflecting the relationship
that Christ has with his church. Husbands are called to 'love your wives as
Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her'; Wives are called to
'submit to your own husband as to the Lord'. That being so, marriage, unlike
dating or even living together, is not something that you should enter into
lightly. It requires absolute commitment on both sides with no 'get out'
clause. It requires both of you to sacrifice; to give up what you might want in
order to love and serve the other. It is a daily choice you make and it is not
always easy.
However, choosing to live this way gives so much back. It's
not all on one person, it is a commitment that both of you have made; to give
your all to loving the other person well. In my experience, it means that love
deepens and grows as you don't look for what you can get but for what you can
give.
Some people have a problem with the idea of wives submitting
to their husbands. For Peter and I it is not about him giving orders and me
giving in and doing what he tells me to. For me, submitting to Peter means
recognising that I am not always right (a hard thing for me to do, believe me!)
It means listening to his point of view, allowing him to point me in a better
direction than I would have gone myself. It's about letting him challenge
attitudes and ways of living that don't work for us. It's about mutual
understanding and decision making. If husbands are called to love their wives
as Christ loves the church (think about how Christ loved the church for a second...),
then it really is no hardship for me to listen to him, respect him and let him
guide me.
I came across a quote early in our marriage which made a
real impact on me. It says: 'It's the promise that sustains the love, not the
love that sustains the promise.' In marriage, you make a promise (several in
fact) before God and others, that you will stick by each other no matter
what: for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health,
until death do us part. There are no ifs, buts or maybes – it's all or
nothing and it's for all your life.
In dating or living together, the commitment is not quite
the same. If things go wrong or you're not sure you love the other person any
more, it's easier to give in and get out. In marriage it isn't, or at least I
don't think it should be. On the days that things go wrong or you find it hard
to love, you can't just give up because you've made a promise to keep on loving
despite everything. That's when love is a choice, not a feeling and it is the promise
you've made to each other in getting married that makes you stay.*
The other reason why I believe that marriage is the best God
has for couples is sex. Our culture takes sex for granted and treats it as
something that is about satisfying your desire and physical need. It doesn't
matter how many partners you have as long your emotional and physical needs are
met. If it doesn't work out, you can change your partner. The Bible teaches
something different. It says that in marriage, in making love to each other,
you become one flesh. Sex is more than a physical act, more than sating desire
or giving pleasure (though it does all of those things). It forges an emotional
and spiritual connection that is deeper than any words or hugs possibly could and
if that connection is broken, the hurt and the emotional pain would be more
than I could imagine. In having sex, you give part of yourself away that you
can't get back. In marriage, you hopefully give it to a person who will honour
and protect that part of you for life. The point is that it should be given to
one person, not many. In marriage you belong to each other and to God – no-one
else.
I believe marriage is designed to reflect Christ's love and
commitment to us as we love and commit to another person. Godly marriage points
people to Jesus. I believe it's designed for us, to protect us from unnecessary
pain and heartache by committing us to one person. I believe it's a precious
gift and is better than any other romantic relationship you could enter into.
*There are however situations where it is not safe or
good to stay with the person you married – a separate issue which I can't cover
in this blog.
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