Thoughts on Singleness by Hannah Cockburn

I’m 32, and I’ve been single for the last 26 years. (I will spare you the details of my earlier love life!) I hope to offer some encouragement to those in similar situations, and some insight for those who married young and have no real concept of what being single is like!

Just like marriage, singleness has its pros and cons.

The biggest advantage is freedom, and also time. I can go out for an evening, a day, even a weekend without needing to tell anyone, let alone ask permission! I can make commitments without considering the potential impact on my relationship. I can serve the church extensively. I can use the bathroom for as long as I want!

But of course, being single has disadvantages too. Sometimes it is harder to know where you ‘fit’ and belong. Think about the activities you naturally do with your family …… celebrating Christmas? Going on holiday? Eating out for a treat? Can you appreciate how these events are more challenging when you don’t have a ‘go-to’ partner or family? Loneliness is another potential problem, especially when living alone. For example, simply watching TV is not as much fun on your own (especially bad TV that requires derision!) And don’t worry, I’m not going to start writing about sexual frustrations! … as this hasn’t been a concern for me. Neither have I the strong desire to be a parent. But these issues are genuinely tough for some people.

I’ve had times when being single has felt like being unloved. Sure, my parents love me … but they love my brother and sister too. Sure, God loves me … but he loves another 2 billion or so Christians too! However, I am continually developing an understanding that God designed me intentionally, made me wonderfully, knows me fully and chose me specifically to be his child. Lucky me!

So how did being single at 32 come about? Did I sense a “calling” from God to be single? - No. Did I make a “decision” to remain single? - No. The reality is much simpler  - “the right guy never came along!”

Maybe I could have created opportunities through on-line dating, but I chose not to invest the time and money. I could have widened my options by considering non-Christian men, but I chose not to compromise on this. I could have made more effort with my appearance, but I chose not to bother! I could have worried about building my future happiness, but I chose to embrace living in the present instead.

So maybe, indirectly, it was my “decision” to remain single! But I don’t regret any of those decisions. They were right for me. What can I can say, I’ve obviously got high standards!

So what now? The bible clearly states that while singleness isn’t for everyone, it is recommended for those who can thrive in that lifestyle. And I’ve come to recognise that if I don’t fall into that category, then who does?! So when looking to the future, I am choosing to stand on the truth that a life dedicated to the Lord will be the best life that He’s got for me. He has plans to prosper me, not give me a second-rate existence!

Everybody’s experience of singleness will be different. I’m sure those who are single following a divorce or bereavement have had very different challenges to mine. But we all need to know the love of God and to trust in His good plans for us ….. even married folk!

Marriage: Reflections from a bride... by Ruth Robinson

On Marriage

Please note: This blog is not intended to make any comment on singleness, other than to say now that singleness is also a gift from God. Rather, the premise of this blog is that marriage is God's best for couples over constant dating or living together outside of marriage.

I do not pretend to be an expert on marriage or even relationships. Peter and I have been together for just over 5 years and married for 3 of those. Peter was my first (and only) boyfriend and we started dating when I was in my final year of university. I was 20, he was 21. I count myself so fortunate that God answered my prayer that the guy I ended up going out with would be the man I married. Don't misunderstand me, I had my fair share of teenage crushes and have been distraught on more than one occasion when it turned out that they didn't like me back. I had thought myself in love and had wished for a boyfriend for most of my teenage life. It's only in hindsight that I realise that God really saved me from some unwise choices and broken hearts.

However, that being said, the more I experience of marriage, the more I understand why it is the best God has for those of us who are in committed relationships. Let me explain why.

The Bible talks about marriage reflecting the relationship that Christ has with his church. Husbands are called to 'love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her'; Wives are called to 'submit to your own husband as to the Lord'. That being so, marriage, unlike dating or even living together, is not something that you should enter into lightly. It requires absolute commitment on both sides with no 'get out' clause. It requires both of you to sacrifice; to give up what you might want in order to love and serve the other. It is a daily choice you make and it is not always easy.

However, choosing to live this way gives so much back. It's not all on one person, it is a commitment that both of you have made; to give your all to loving the other person well. In my experience, it means that love deepens and grows as you don't look for what you can get but for what you can give.

Some people have a problem with the idea of wives submitting to their husbands. For Peter and I it is not about him giving orders and me giving in and doing what he tells me to. For me, submitting to Peter means recognising that I am not always right (a hard thing for me to do, believe me!) It means listening to his point of view, allowing him to point me in a better direction than I would have gone myself. It's about letting him challenge attitudes and ways of living that don't work for us. It's about mutual understanding and decision making. If husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loves the church (think about how Christ loved the church for a second...), then it really is no hardship for me to listen to him, respect him and let him guide me.

I came across a quote early in our marriage which made a real impact on me. It says: 'It's the promise that sustains the love, not the love that sustains the promise.' In marriage, you make a promise (several in fact) before God and others, that you will stick by each other no matter what: for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. There are no ifs, buts or maybes – it's all or nothing and it's for all your life.

In dating or living together, the commitment is not quite the same. If things go wrong or you're not sure you love the other person any more, it's easier to give in and get out. In marriage it isn't, or at least I don't think it should be. On the days that things go wrong or you find it hard to love, you can't just give up because you've made a promise to keep on loving despite everything. That's when love is a choice, not a feeling and it is the promise you've made to each other in getting married that makes you stay.*

The other reason why I believe that marriage is the best God has for couples is sex. Our culture takes sex for granted and treats it as something that is about satisfying your desire and physical need. It doesn't matter how many partners you have as long your emotional and physical needs are met. If it doesn't work out, you can change your partner. The Bible teaches something different. It says that in marriage, in making love to each other, you become one flesh. Sex is more than a physical act, more than sating desire or giving pleasure (though it does all of those things). It forges an emotional and spiritual connection that is deeper than any words or hugs possibly could and if that connection is broken, the hurt and the emotional pain would be more than I could imagine. In having sex, you give part of yourself away that you can't get back. In marriage, you hopefully give it to a person who will honour and protect that part of you for life. The point is that it should be given to one person, not many. In marriage you belong to each other and to God – no-one else.

I believe marriage is designed to reflect Christ's love and commitment to us as we love and commit to another person. Godly marriage points people to Jesus. I believe it's designed for us, to protect us from unnecessary pain and heartache by committing us to one person. I believe it's a precious gift and is better than any other romantic relationship you could enter into.

*There are however situations where it is not safe or good to stay with the person you married – a separate issue which I can't cover in this blog.